The tornado within.
I don't get it, do you? My brain is like a lump of dried, mashed potatoes with old gravy. Yum? Not. Right now, I feel like a living piece of crap. Everything sucks. I don't get to see my friends, I dont't get to see my soon-to-be-husband, I don't sleep well... Just can't do this and can't do that. Is this the grown up life? Just so many
must do and
can't do?I'm tired. I think I'm gonna have my period.
Fantastic.
Green Day!!
I had my laptop in my backpack, on my way to one of my classmates. I'm getting closer to the highway (E4) and the intersection, so naturally I brake. As I try to get off the bike, my jacket had somehow got stuck on the seat and I just fell right out on the freaking highway! Talk about good timing, because the traffic light just switched to green. Cars and trucks almost hit me. Funny, cause all I could think about was my laptop. I cared for it as if it was my own child. That's bizarre. Isn't it? Oh, I have loads of bruises. Markie is gonna freak.
Does anybody know...
...why my writings are about death? Or misery? Or the bad shit that exists in this world? I'd really like to know that, since I can't find the answer on my own.
No refund.
The buzz from the streets below my window paralyzed me. I was consumed with thoughts and my eyes were dry. My hand mechanically lifted itself towards the window. My palm touched the cold surface of the glass and I pressed my hand harder against it. Random thoughts run through my head as the glass shatter, slowly as I press my other hand on the window. Is this how it’s like, to return the precious gift? Will my already numb body feel anything? The glass burst into thousands of pieces and I feel the cold wind smoothly against my skin. My eyes are shut and I take long deep breaths. My head and heart are pounding like crazy, I can feel the wind in my hair. Is my hair blowing in the wind or is the wind blowing my hair? The honking from cars get louder and they grow louder for each second. All of a sudden, people are screaming, and I open my eyes to see why they’re screaming at, before everything turns pitch black.
In which S. and S. are too frozen to walk to school.
I was waiting for my train to come (in time) but it didn't. So I waited out in the cold, with a dozen frozen and annoyed people. The train did show up half an hour later when we'd become popsicles, all of us, so we were more than happy to enter the warm train, just to experience another delay. Or two. By the time S. and I arrived at the Uppsala train station, she insisted I'd take my bike to school. But I kept saying I'd walk with her, since I didn't want her to walk by herself. And there they were. The cabs.
"God, I swear I'm gonna take a cab to shcool... hahaha..."
We were laughing. But then we looked at each other, I can swear there were some weird telepathy action going on... We took a cab to school. A damn cab!
"Wait for the handicap!!!"
S. were screaming, joking really. We were semi-running since she'd hurt her knee in a football game. Anyway, we were finally there, rather sooner than later... though S. and I did speculate about the consequences of being
that late. He loves to pick and humiliate students.
We took a seat. And the class was so boring. I just wanted to run after the cab and go home.
The games that play us.
I just don't understand.
Don't know why. It's just that, if you have to save cash and then spend it on something expensive, which from my point of view is unneccessary, how can you then say that you don't have the cash? I mean, proiroties? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand. From my point of view, it's stupid. Yes. There I said it. And it's stupid of me to write about this issue here for some reason, and I'm not gonna bring up, but... I just don't understand. Can someone tell me? I'd understand if you had an income, but you don't... If you can afford spending cash, that's different. But if the amount of cahs in your pocket is limited... then. I dunno. Am I stupid and too much of a control-freak to even say this? I feel stupid. Do I even have the right to say this?
Yes, of course you do, it's written in the goddamn law for crying out loud, so yes, as long as it's not violating genders or races.... whatsoever...Yeah.
Whatever.
Forget this.
I just wanted it out of my chest.
I love You.
The never ending.... school?
That was one obstacle to leave behind, and now I'm struggling to pass this one. It's tougher and harder; it's driving me insane. Well, it's mostly the teacher who's driving me insane. He's a bit nuts. Hm. Well. I think I'll just go grill a piece of chicken. That'll be nice.
Where soul meets body.
The fire wrapped itself around my stripped body like a warm blanket. It was a sunny winter day in -76, when my man and I went to the mountains. Not a thing seemed to be wrong. The birds were singing and the sky, I remember, had a light shade of pink which faded into a bit of purple and blue which became darker and darker the higher I stretched my neck. The top of the trees were reaching for the starlit sky.
As we approached the cabin, I realized how quiet it was. I turned off the engine, and gave my man a kiss. I stepped out of the jeep and took my first breath of mountain air. It smelled so different, so much different from the air in the city. I felt the arms of my man slipping around my waist, and I put his hand on my belly.
“I hope our baby’s gonna like it”, he said and took my hand and lead us inside. Immediately he started a fire to warm the place up while I put the groceries in their right places and made our bed. He cooked dinner and later on that evening, we enjoyed our first evening up in the mountains with our unborned baby. After the dinner we sat in front of the fire. We leaned on each other and enjoyed the company, the silence, the environment.
A couple of hours later, my eyelids got heavier. He’d already fallen asleep. It didn’t take a long time until I fell asleep as well. Moments later; minutes, hours, I woke up. All I could see was smoke and I realized that we’d forgotten to stove on. The fire had already devoures the kitchen. The couch shared the same destiny.
I automatically put my hands on my belly to protect the baby, but I knew it wouldn’t help. I began to cough and noticed that my man’s unconscious. I tried to put out the fire, but nothing could stop it. It consumed everything with its flames and heat, and I knew. I sat down, next to him and took his hands. I closed my eyes, tried to imagine heaven. "Was he already there, waiting for me? Or did he go to hell and being tortured for an eternity? No, he’s a good man. He’s in heaven, waiting for us. I’m sure of it", I remember I was thinking. I feelt safe even though the fire had licked my clothes and left me with nothing. But it was OK, I wasn't not cold.
The fire wrapped itself around my stripped body, like a warm blanket. Before I lefy Earth, I remembered the smell, the first breath I took in the mountains.
Young boys...
It's funny how the world affects young children, the way they snap up things from the telly, newspapers, magazines and most importantly: parents/older siblings/friends/relatives. I met a small class of fifth-graders, and there were three outstanding boys who talked a lot about sex-related topics, such as prostitution. And they talked about being horny, "doing it" and the male thing
down there. Asked me if I thought my BF is sexy and if he has a big... thingy. Seriously?? Guys! Already! At that age!? Eleven? Duuuuuude..... But it was good to hear all of that since you can't just supressed the subject, the fact that sex exists, that we wouldn't exist without it. It's not weird that this society is all hush-hush about it, so it's good to hear that it's not that well hidden after all.
Brazil - Ecuador, 2-1
Last night was amazing! It was like.... Magic! There I was, with my brother, dad and FOF - watching Brazil and Ecuador play football! Here in Sweden! It was a great game! Nr 17 got a foot up his ass, literally. And lots of supporters ran into the field.. Boy did the security guards run.... Did I mentions I was this close to get a ball? But a stupid guy just pushed it away?? Yeah, I was close, but yet so far away. Darn! But I had a blast, it was so great. Everbody had a blast, having so much fun and enjoying the game in the night. And I've gotta say, now I know for sure why people love Ronaldinho. He was the only one laughing and smiling during the entire evening. A very kind man. I swear I have a crush on him.
This was another night to remember. I've got many coming up... such as finnishing and get my exam from the UU, emplyoed in a good school, get engaged, get married, have babies with my guy..... just to mention a few. :)
Yes, it was definitely a night to remember.
Being sick is sick!
You SICKO!!
Anyone who care to get me a bowl of chicken soup? Anyone? Nobody? Ok, I'll make it myself then!
I've got Crain up my face and the time against me. Did I mention this chronic headache I've got? And the cold? Cold sweat? Though my body is hot I'm freezing my ass off and now I don't have an ass left??
"Someone, help me, take me out of this misery!" Well, the good part is that I'm gonna recover, so. Can't wait till that happens. Sigh.
Maybe a dash of alcohol... it would be nice with a cup of hot chocolate with a dash of Baileys. Yummy. Forget the chicken soup! Soon I'll be watching Brazil and Ecuador play some ball.. I really am. Got five tickets, daddy, brother, and semi-daddy and semi-sister, aka FOF(=friends of the family). This is gonna be so cool. I just gotta bring my mittens and hat and then I'll be OK.
Later!
PS. I got this weird urge to smoke again. Brrr...
The inner memory lane.
I ordered a ticket during the fall, and I was longing so much for the day to come. I was going to visit a friend in Geneva, last winter. Post-Christmas. I eventually convinced her younger sister to come with me, and she did. When I took my first steps at the airport, I was attacked by new impressions. My friend came to pick us up since we had no idea how to get to her apartment. After we’d settled down, for a couple of days, we we’re invited for dinner. Fondue, to be exact. And I met this incredible guy. Really, he was so funny, was very polite and nice, so open and happy. He told us stories and made everyone laugh. It was great. The wine might have contributed with some spontaneous laughter attacks, but that’s another story… He showed us how to eat. Take a piece of bread and simply dip it in the melted cheese. Here’s the thing, I love cheese, but now that I’d basically limited my daily intake of food to cheese and bread, I really wasn’t up for anything like this. But I ate. And almost threw up. That’s the bad thing about being a cheese lover. My body does this little special thing called throwing up, when being fed with too much fat, in this case, cheese. Later on, he walked the three of us home, and then we kissed good bye, but it wasn’t that kind of kiss. It was the cheek thing, just so you know if you assumed we were doing something else. Anyway, if you think our night was over, it wasn’t. We left her sister at home and met a few of my friends, friends. We had some wine again, and then went to this awful place which I’m not even gonna talk about, and finally to a nice place called Omnibus. We all drank Kir and talked a lot. It was great. Though it was not that much fun to walk home in the middle of the night since it was kinda cold. But it was nice. I totally loved that trip. That day, it snowed so much. It was the only night I’d seen Geneva covered with snow, and it was a sight to remember. Definitely. It was on my way home, on the train today, when I came to think of this trip. The guy who sat in front if me reminded me of that guy. I’ve been remembering so much from the past, my childhood, lately and it’s been driving me a bit crazy. Memories are so abstract and so hard to concrete them. And you can’t relive them again, but you’ve got your memories to remind you. And that’s nice.
To Venus and back.
I've been in school since August 29th. And now it's October. The summer has gone, though it hooked on October for some reason. More excact, the greenhouse effect. But that's irrelevant, what's more relevant, is that Winter's here. Soon. I wonder if my bike will manage? Anyway, this whole University life that I've just begun feels strange. I feel like an outcast. In high school, I was such a know-it-all, but when I entered the University lawn in August 29th, I was thinking: "Shit, what on Earth am I doing here??", but I haven't dropped out yet, and I'm not going to either. Overall, I kinda like it. Actually, I love school, though I do feel anxious from time to time. I feel inferior, a lot. But it's ok, I'm there to learn, and I'm only 19 so I don't have that much of experience, so it's ok. So I can blame my stupidity on the lack of experiences.
I think, we learn all the time. Life is all about learning, is it something other than that? Seriously, you can never get fully learned about a specific topic. There's always something to find, only if you just keep digging... The funny thing is your life get's ripped away when you get enlightened. Dude, life's shitty.
