Susu's magic trunk

Long gone before daylight.

I don't understand the situation I'm in. It's as if I'm doing a puzzle, with this blurry image I can't recognize or see. It's unclear to me, what this history has done and damaged. It's consequences.

Oh, yes, now I've got it. I can't pin point that moment that ruined everything, that moment which torned that picture of a good life into something bad. But there's a gap now, which grows more vast and vider for each passing day. It keeps on growing until nothing's left of what was a good life. It's gone. It's never gonna come back, because of the big gap. It can't be filled again, it can't be repaired because there's no time left.

Time.

It's gone and I'm here, in the gap. In between dreams. Watching myself go deeper into it, I can't find a solution, that missing piece of the gap. There's nothing to fill. I just don't understand, no matter how much psychology I read. Maybe I don't need that? Maybe the answer is so simple, I go looking for it in the wrong place? Maybe I'm way above and need to come down and look for the answer down here?

Trust. What happend to it?

I don't know what to do, and maybe there's nothing left to save? It's too late? So, can anyone tell me, how to help a child that suffering from the bad and complicated relationship her parents have? Huh? Huh? HUH!?

It's been going on and on for so many years now I don't know what else to do but wet my face with salty tears. Is that it? Having this huge burden on your heart? Is that a life you want to give your child? Huh? Huh? HUH!????

I'm over with the analyzing part, the thinking part, and I still don't know the story. The Story. Who? What? When? Why? How? Why?

I want to live without having my heart kept in a jar of cold glass. I want to live without the lump in my throat. I want to live without having my stomach tying into millions of gazillions of knots. I want to live without having to go to bed with hundreds of questions and anxiety. I want to live without that burden. Is that too much to ask? Obviously, since neither Santa nor God has been answering for the past 19 years.

Piss off.

posted by Susu @ Friday, November 17, 2006